||[Oct. 24th, 2005|05:30 pm]
Good Enough Moms
|||||various and erratic loud thumping, clattering, vocal improv||]|
I had a really painful discussion with my temporary-housemate (and very good friend) today. It turns out she is still upset about an episode last week when I spoke sharply to her. It was the first time she'd mentioned it. The conversation was in the context of having another somewhat difficult conversation, and when we hugged at the end of that, things didn't seem ok, so I asked, and yes, she was still upset with me, but about this previous thing. I apologized, and explained what had been going on with me when I spoke rudely, but things really weren't ok. She didn't seem to forgive me no matter how much I was willing to admit I was wrong. That's her perrogative. Then things got more painful. She was telling me that what was hard for her, was that I spoke to her the way her mother did/does, and she didn't like hearing that from me. Then something came up with my 5yo son, and I spoke kinda sharply to him, and then I said, to her, "just like that I guess." She assented, yes, I had spoken to her much like that. I told her I was sorry, again, and then I told my son I was sorry, and tried to help him with what he was doing...
But I feel like shit. I feel like I speak horribly to my intimates. I know my sister spiralsongkat has been upset with me when I've started speaking to her the way I speak to my husband, and another time the way I speak to my kids. I know I've noticed that sometimes I speak to my husband in tones I wouldn't use with my more recently developed sweetie (We're poly). In the past, I've been upset with myself that I holler at the kids. My husband and another good friend of mine have told me that the really think I don't. My husband also said, regarding the painful conversation I had earlier, that our temp-housemate is oversensitive; and he thinks I don't speak rudely to the children.
I don't know. I want to be patient, and wonderful, and respectful, and loving. I also want to be a clear (if not utterly unquestionable) authority, and I want us to be able to do stuff, which doesn't seem to be possible without my taking a firm tone once in a while.
I've also been down on myself for not doing enough homeschooling activities, and not providing healthy snacks in a reliable way. (I feed them when they ask for food, for the most part. Only breakfast and dinner get planned, for the most part, of late.)
I've also noticed I can't think clearly when they're around, and here they come, so I guess I'll stop there.
Except to clarify, I know I'm not a horrible bad mother, but I want to be so much better, and I was crying about that today. So I figured, good opportunity to see if we can get a little chat going on the good-enough-moms community. How are the rest of you feeling lately?